


What Is and What Should Totally Be

by DwarfessIsla



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 11, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean dies but most of the angst is, Everybody Lives, Fluff and Angst, Season/Series 11, in the end (to a certain degree), just read it you'll be happy i swear, with a healthy dose of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 00:37:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7145006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DwarfessIsla/pseuds/DwarfessIsla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[title from 2x20 // first 200 or so words from 11x23]</p><p>I just wanted 11x23 to have a happy ending, but it didn't, so I wrote one myself.</p><p> </p><p>  <i> ‘That bomb you’re carrying – it’s powerful. So powerful that if it explodes, not only will it kill me, but it will also reverse everything I’ve done since you released me. Everyone I’ve killed will live again.’</i></p><p><i>‘Is that supposed to make me </i> not <i> want to set it off?’ </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	What Is and What Should Totally Be

‘Dean.’

Amara’s voice rings out behind him. He stops and turns around reluctantly – and she’s standing there, in that same black dress, with that same infuriatingly calm expression on her face. He can feel himself being drawn to her, and it takes all the willpower he has not to step forward.

‘How did you find me?’ she asks.

‘Does it matter?’ he says, then pauses, forcing himself to say the next words. ‘I’m here to give you what you want. Me.’ He holds his arms out, surrendering.

‘That’s a change,’ she says, but she doesn’t look surprised.

He nods and starts walking towards her, one slow step at a time. ‘Well, I can’t just stand by and watch the world, my friends, and my family die. So if becoming a part of you takes me away from that, then I’m in.’

‘You… and that bomb in your chest?’

That brings him up short. He can feel his throat contract with panic but he fights not to let it show on his face.

‘You think I can’t taste the power coming off of you?’

He looks down, unable to meet her gaze.

‘Please,’ she continues, and he lifts his eyes again. ‘The problem is; you’ve never been able to hurt me. So what makes this time any different?’

‘I don’t have a choice,’ he says, shaking his head. ‘What you’re doing to the sun…’

‘That’s not me,’ she interrupts. ‘With my brother getting weaker, the scales are tipping. Away from light.’

‘And into darkness.’

‘Into _nothing_. When God’s gone, the universe – everything will cease to exist. Including me.’

She moves to sit down on a bench and narrows her eyes at him.

‘That bomb you’re carrying – it’s powerful. So powerful that if it explodes, not only will it kill me, but it will also reverse everything I’ve done since you released me. Everyone I’ve killed will live again.’

‘Is that supposed to make me _not_ want to set it off?’

‘You don’t understand. Everything will be reversed, including what I did to my brother. I’ll be gone, and he’ll be restored to full power.’

He frowns as he realises what she’s implying. ‘And that’ll make an imbalance towards light.’

‘The only way to balance everything is to let him die. Let the world descend into nothing.’

He looks at her, at her still unreadable face. Part of him had hoped he would be able to talk her out of this, but looking at how determined she is, he knows he can’t do that. There’s only one thing he can do now, no matter what it means.

‘I can’t do that. I can’t sit back and watch as everything fades away. See, what you don’t understand is that me and Sammy, we’ve been around this block a few times before. Working out the lesser of two evils, or whatever. And the way I see it, too much light is better than nothing at all. They’ll work it out.’

‘Wait –’

But he knows that if he listens to what she has to say, he won’t be able to do this. Before she can finish the sentence, before he can think twice about it, he raises his hand and presses his fingers together.

And the world turns white.

 

Rowena is talking quietly to Chuck, both of them still clutching their tea, when Sam feels it. A pain in his chest so great he feels like he’s dying, except he knows it isn’t him that it’s happening to.

He collapses to the floor and yells for his brother, for Dean – but he’s dead and he’s gone and this time, there’s no coming back.

Someone rushes to his side and helps him up to his feet, supporting him. He expects it to be Cas, but when he looks up, he sees Chuck. His eyes are shining, and his face is full of pain and astonishment and joy.

‘He did it. Dean did it.’

Sam can feel the tears on his cheeks. He collapses in a chair and holds his face in his hands, overwhelmed.

‘I don’t understand,’ he hears Rowena say. ‘How are you suddenly fine again?’

‘The bomb,’ Chuck says. ‘It must have been more powerful than we’d thought. It’s undone everything Amara has done.’

‘But that means –’ Crowley says, but he’s interrupted.

‘That’s better,’ Cas says, except it’s not Cas. The intonation sends a chill up Sam’s spine and he lifts his head sharply. There’s a pause as everyone digests what’s happened, then Chuck speaks.

‘Lucifer,’ he says. ‘I never thought I’d say it, but I’m glad to see you. We still have a problem.’

‘The balance,’ Sam whispers, as he realises with horror that it’s not over yet.

‘The Sun is burning up even more rapidly than before, now that Amara is gone and my power has been restored,’ Chuck nods. ‘I need something to counter me.’

‘Well, father dearest,’ Lucifer grins. ‘Shall we agree to disagree once more?’

Chuck bows his head. ‘It pains me to suggest it,’ he sighs. ‘I had hoped…’

Lucifer shrugs. ‘I know. But some things can never change.’

‘We don’t have another choice.’ Chuck agrees. He looks up at his son. ‘Now that I’m fully restored, I’m even more powerful than I was when I was still posing as a prophet. I think I can give you enough juice to balance out the light and dark. Will you do this for me?’

‘As much as I would love to watch everything fall apart, I don’t really fancy fading to nothing with the rest of the universe. So go ahead.’

‘Wait!’ Sam speaks up, rising to his feet. ‘I know that Dean would want the balance restored, but I also know that he was hell bent on getting Cas back. When Lucifer was expelled – well, you should have seen his face. He was so relieved.’

‘What are you suggesting, Moose?’ Crowley frowns. ‘In case you hadn’t noticed, we kind of need Lucifer here to keep the world running.’

‘I know, I’m not trying to stop that – just, can he do it in another vessel? Can you save Cas? Dean gave everything up, and I know he would want to know that Cas is safe.’

‘I guess I can strengthen Lucifer’s old vessel and eject him into there,’ Chuck says, nodding slowly.

‘Whatever,’ Lucifer snaps. ‘Just do it fast. We don’t have much time, in case you hadn’t noticed.’

Before Sam can register what’s happening, Lucifer’s previous vessel is lying on the table, immaculate once again. He leaps back against his wall, memories rising like bile in his brain. He thinks he might actually be sick. He squeezes his eyes shut, telling himself _you’re doing this for Dean, and for Cas, you’re doing it for them, be strong for them._

The lighting in the room shifts, and Sam opens his eyes. Lucifer is back in the vessel and is sitting on the table, flexing his fingers. Castiel is standing at the head of the table, looking at Sam in concern.

Everyone else is staring out the window, where the sky has returned to a normal colour.

‘Finally,’ Sam mutters, and he blacks out.

 

When he wakes up, he’s lying on his bed, and Castiel is shaking his shoulder.

‘Sam,’ he says. ‘Chuck wants to talk to you. Can you stand up?’

‘Oh, uh – sure,’ Sam says, rubbing his eyes. His head is pounding, and his chest still feels unbearably heavy. His brother is gone and it’s all he can think about.

Somehow he stands up and with Cas’ help, limps out to the main room. Chuck is sitting at the table, holding another mug of tea. He looks up when the two of them enter and smiles sadly.

‘Hey, Sam.’

‘Where are the others?’ Sam frowns, collapsing in a chair.

‘Rowena and Crowley disappeared pretty soon after Lucifer was restored and returned to Hell,’ Chuck says. ‘They’re still wary of him – and each other, which isn’t any wonder, I guess.’

Castiel sits in a chair opposite Sam and looks at him, his face exhausted and desolate. ‘I wanted to thank you, Sam,’ he says, and his voice is back to normal. Sam closes his eyes in relief. ‘Even through all the pain you must have been feeling, you still thought of me. I won’t forget that.’

‘Sam,’ Chuck says. ‘I wanted to say thank you too. You guys have helped me so much, so I wanted to give back to you in return.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Generally I don’t do this,’ he smiles, ‘but so many people have been resurrected in the past hour I don’t see what difference a few more would make. I’m going to let you and Castiel choose someone to bring back.’

Sam gapes at Chuck. ‘Really?’

He nods.

There’s no doubt in his heart about who he’ll choose. None at all.

‘Dean,’ he says, his voice breaking. ‘Bring him back. Please.’

Chuck’s face softens. ‘I had a feeling you would say that.’ He snaps his fingers and suddenly Dean is sitting next to him, blinking in confusion. Sam’s heart thumps almost painfully as he stares at him. He’d thought that for once, he was really never going to see his brother again.

‘I must warn you, though,’ Chuck says, ‘that this is it. If Dean dies again, I can’t let you bring him back. He’s on his last chance.’

Sam can’t bring himself to care. His eyes begin to water again as Dean turns toward him.

‘Sammy?’

A sob breaks loose from his chest and he launches himself at Dean, holding tightly onto his brother and burying his head on his shoulder. He feels arms wrap around him, and suddenly and completely, he feels safe again.

‘Sammy,’ Dean says again, and he sounds like he’s crying, too.

After a long second, Sam hears him whisper, ‘Cas.’

There’s a pause and Sam almost smiles because he can picture exactly how the two are staring at each other.

And then, ‘What happened? How am I here?’

Sam unpeels himself from his brother and wipes his face. ‘Chuck is saying thank you.’

‘And I’ll extend the offer to you, now, Dean. All three of you can bring someone back, and Sam chose you. It’s the least I can do, considering how much you helped.’

Dean frowns and Sam knows exactly what he’s thinking. They’ve lost so many people, so many loved ones. How is he supposed to choose?

‘If you want,’ Chuck offers, ‘I can give you a bit of time to think about it.’

Dean nods. ‘Please.’

He still looks shell shocked. Cas and he sit there for a few seconds, gazing at each other. Sam can tell they’re communicating in that weirdly wordless way of theirs.

‘What are you going to do now, Chuck?’ he says, breaking the silence.

Chuck passes a hand over his face. ‘I’ve decided it’s time for me to return to Heaven.’

The other two turn quickly to stare at him. After a moment, Castiel lets out a strangled ‘ _What_?’

The corner of Chuck’s mouth quirks up. ‘I’ve been away too long, and the place is a mess. If there’s ever a time they’ve needed me, it’s now. I don’t suppose there will be much resistance, especially considering my full restoration.’

Dean snorts. ‘Well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Those angels are –’

Sam elbows him in the side, but he’s grinning as he does it. Dean’s back.

Castiel speaks up. ‘I’m glad, father.’

Chuck turns to him. ‘Castiel. Will you come with me?’

‘I…’ Castiel hesitates, and looks at Sam and Dean. ‘I’m not sure that would be the best idea. The last time Heaven saw me, I was being worn by Lucifer. And I wasn’t exactly good to it before that. If it is alright with you, I would like to stay here.’

Sam sags in relief and he sees his brother’s face split into a wide grin.

Chuck nods. ‘As you wish.’ He stands up and looks around at them.

‘I think I’ll be off now. When you two have made up your mind, send me a prayer and I’ll come as soon as I can.’

And just like that, he’s gone.

 

They don’t talk about it right away. The next day is spent sleeping and moving quietly around the bunker, revelling in the feeling of calm. It’s been a long time since there wasn’t a world threatening evil to be dealt with.

Castiel borrows some of their clothes and curls up on the sofa, watching the news. The world is in confusion as all those killed by Amara resurrect themselves. Dean hates watching what’s unfolding, and refuses to be in the same room as the TV. He spends his time clearing out and preparing a room for Cas, even though angels don’t technically sleep. Sam can tell how glad Dean is that Cas chose to stay by how much care he puts into the task.

Sam joins Cas at some points, though it pains him. There have been some nasty incidents where the newly dead have been targeted by police or even their families, but this is thankfully rare. Most of the resurrected have been diagnosed as victims of some sort of coma virus. Sam sends out a few texts to Garth and Jody, as well as some other hunters, asking them to help out in the areas which were worst affected by Amara. He keeps the details to a minimum – _we defeated what was killing all those people and it somehow reversed the damage –_ and deflects any questions about who or what or why this is happening.

He doesn’t let it become their problem. They’ve done all they can, and now it’s time for someone else to step in.

Sometime on the second day, they’re sitting at the table when Cas brings up Chuck’s offer.

‘I feel like I don’t deserve to be included in it,’ he says.

Dean scowls. ‘That’s bull.’

‘No, it isn’t. I made a mistake letting Lucifer in and I could have ruined everything. I definitely caused more pain than good.’

‘Maybe Lucifer wasn’t the best idea at first,’ Dean says, ‘but we’ve been through this, Cas. You were doing what you thought was right. And it helped loads in the end, didn’t it? Without Lucifer intact, the balance would be gone.’

‘Perhaps,’ Cas shrugs. ‘But even so, I have what I want. You two are safe, Claire is okay, and Chuck is setting Heaven right. I want to give my part of the offer to the two of you.’

Sam starts and Dean slams his mug down. ‘ _Fuck_ that. Cas, you’ve helped us through so much and I know things have gone wrong but every time, you’re just trying to do the right thing. If anyone deserves this, it’s you.’

‘Dean –’

‘He’s right,’ Sam interrupts. ‘You’re a hero, Cas. We never appreciate that enough.’

‘But everything I’ve done – the Leviathan, destroying Sam’s wall, trusting Metatron – I tried to _kill you_ , Dean.’

‘Have you forgotten I tried that too?’ Dean snorts. ‘We’ve all made mistakes. We’re all messes. But I never – Cas, I’ve been a dick to you. I’ve said things which have hurt you and not trusted you when I should have. I can’t do anything to make up for it, but Chuck can give you this. Let yourself have it. Please.’

Cas ducks his head.

‘I know there are people you want back,’ Sam says softly. ‘What about – you were close with Hannah, weren’t you? And Anna?’

‘I let them both down,’ Castiel says bitterly. ‘And Hannah betrayed me. I doubt it would be a happy reunion.’

‘Fair,’ Dean says. ‘But what about Meg? Or Gabriel?’

Castiel stares at him, eyes wide. Sam can see the agony written over his face, and knows how much both of them mean to him.

‘How am I supposed to choose?’ he whispers.

Dean gives a wry smile. ‘I’m asking myself the same thing. I have so many people I want back. Bobby, Jo and Ellen, Charlie, Kevin – my fricking _parents_ …’

Sam looks down at the table. His choice was easy. Theirs sound impossible.

Castiel stands up abruptly. ‘I need to think.’ Then he’s gone, disappearing to his room.

Sam turns to his brother. ‘What about you?’

‘Fuck, Sammy. I – I don’t know. I’m trying to think about it, but it’s just so hard. I would kill to get any of those people back.’

‘I’m not sure I can help,’ he replies, hopelessly. ‘This is something you have to decide yourself.’

 

It’s a week before both of them are ready to call Chuck, and neither of them will tell Sam who they’ve chosen. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

‘Dear Chuck – or, actually, we should probably be calling you God now. Uh, we’ve made our decision. Both of us. Me and Cas. So, um, whenever you’re ready,’ Dean prays as they sit around the table.

It’s only a few seconds before Chuck is there, standing in front of the table.

‘Good to see you,’ he says. ‘So. Who will it be?’

Castiel and Dean exchange glances. Still looking at Dean, Castiel answers.

‘I choose Gabriel.’

Sam raises his eyebrows.

‘I have to think of what was best for the world. Gabriel isn’t just my brother; he’s an archangel. He would be the most useful in helping restore Heaven,’ Castiel explains.

Chuck smiles. ‘Actually, Cas, you don’t have to worry about that, because I’ve already done it.’

They all turn to look at him, surprised.

‘I knew I needed the archangels back,’ Chuck says. ‘So I restored them.’

‘ _All_ of them?’ Sam asks.

‘Michael, Gabriel and Raphael, and of course, Lucifer has already been restored. The three of them have been very useful.’

‘I thought there were seven of them,’ Sam says.

Chuck laughs. ‘Someone knows their lore. Different branches of the church have different beliefs as to who exactly the archangels are, but those others aren’t at the same level. And anyway, most of them are still alive.’

Castiel clears his throat. ‘Then I choose Charlie.’

‘Huh?’ Sam says. ‘What about Meg?’

‘Bringing her back would only cause her more pain, I fear,’ Castiel says, voice heavy. ‘Crowley still despises her, so I doubt he would let her live in peace if he knew she was alive again. And it’s not like she would let me protect her.’

Dean is smiling at Cas and his eyes look suspiciously wet.

‘Besides,’ Cas says, looking a bit shy, ‘Charlie was – very special. To all of us. I knew her for a very short space of time, but I could see that. I want to know her better.’

Chuck nods. ‘Charlie it is, then.’

And she’s standing there, just like the last time they saw her alive.

‘Guys?’ she says, looking confused. ‘What’s going on?’

Sam feels his throat constrict as he stares at her, his guilt resurrecting. ‘Charlie, I –’

Dean stands up shakily and grips the back of his chair. ‘Hey, kiddo,’ he says.

‘Where am I? Is this like, the next level of Heaven or whatever?’

‘You’re alive, Charlie,’ Chuck says, and she spins around to look at him.

‘Who are you?’ she demands.

He spreads his arms. ‘You’ve probably heard of me as Chuck, but, surprise – I’m actually God.’

She gapes. ‘Like, the big G? The real deal?’

‘The one and only.’

‘Woah,’ she breathes out, then frowns. ‘Wait, did you say I was alive? Does that mean these guys are real?’

She turns to look at the three of them.

‘In the flesh,’ Chuck says softly, and her hand flies to her mouth.

‘How –?’

‘I asked,’ Castiel smiles. ‘He allowed us all to choose someone.’

‘We saved the world, Charlie,’ Dean says.

‘What, again?’ she says, and then all four of them are laughing, and Dean’s hugging her and then Cas is and then Dean throws his arms around Castiel’s shoulders as well, and Sam’s watching them all but he can’t quite bring himself to join in.

Charlie looks at him and her face softens into a sad smile. She walks over to him and grips his hand.

‘Sam, I don’t blame you.’

His guilt is suffocating him, and he can’t breathe. His words aren’t coming out properly. ‘But – I asked you to – if it wasn’t for me…’

‘The weird thing about Heaven is that it gives you some perspective. The Stynes were already after me even before I agreed to help Dean behind his back. And besides,’ she says, ‘you were just trying to save Dean. And that’s something I can understand.’

She has to stand on tiptoe to kiss his cheek, but it doesn’t seem awkward. Sam knows he’ll always feel guilty about what he did to her, but knowing that she’s forgiven him has taken some of the weight off his chest. He smiles down at her.

Chuck clears his throat. ‘It’s your turn, Dean.’

Dean straightens and takes a deep breath. ‘Okay.’

They all move to sit down at the table and Dean rubs his face. ‘I actually wanted to ask – I was going to ask for Charlie back.’

Charlie bumps their shoulders together, grinning.

‘So I need a few more moments. But as well as that, I was wondering if I could ask for a favour.’

Sam’s eyes snap to his brother’s face. He knows that Dean is bold, but even he should know that you don’t ask God for favours.

‘It depends on the favour, but go on,’ Chuck says.

‘So – so I know that you flipped the switch for prophets again, but given the situation, I thought you’d need someone who knew their way around. You know, so we don’t throw someone new into the mess which Heaven and Hell and stuff are in at the moment. Uh, so I was thinking you could, like, bring Kevin back? Separate to my offer?’

Chuck bows his head. ‘Are you sure Kevin would want that?’

‘Yes,’ Dean says firmly. ‘I thought about it, and I reckon he would. No more intense tablet work, no more tight schedules – just being back here, helping out, able to be with his mom again. We could keep him safe. He could even go to uni.’

‘Did you know that his Heaven is at Princeton?’ Chuck says. He pauses. ‘Okay, then. I know the whole ‘experienced prophet’ thing is just an excuse to let you bring two people back, but I think it’s a good point.’

Dean sags in relief. ‘Really?’

Chuck snaps his fingers, and Kevin is standing beside him. ‘Really.’

Sam and Dean gape at him. Cas is smiling.

‘Uh – hey, guys,’ Kevin frowns. ‘Am I a ghost again?’

‘No, you’re alive,’ Castiel says, and explains what’s happened.

Kevin shakes his head in amazement. ‘Of course you guys made it all right. I knew Chuck could trust you.’

Sam clasps his hand over his mouth as he throws up a little bit.

‘I – I have to go,’ he says, and rushes off to his bathroom. The image of his hands killing Kevin, watching his face light up and crumple, is playing over and over in his head. It was bad enough seeing Charlie, but Kevin as well is too hard to bear. He can’t count the number of nights he’s had visions of their broken bodies, the number of times he’s cried himself to sleep as he apologises to them over and over again. Two people _he_ killed are standing out there, alive, and he doesn’t see why they don’t both hate him.

There’s a knock on the door and Sam groans in response. Dean’s voice filters through the door.

‘Sammy, you okay in there?’

‘I’ll be out in a second,’ he calls, trying to make his voice as steady as possible. He has to go out there. He managed facing Charlie. He can manage talking to Kevin again.

He opens the door and Dean pulls him into a tight hug.

‘Remember, that was on me, not you,’ he mutters to Sam.

They walk into the main room, where the others are sitting at the table. Charlie has been introduced to Kevin and the two are chatting while Castiel and Chuck talk in low voices. They all look up as Sam and Dean enter.

Kevin stands up and walks over to Sam, wrapping him in a hug.

‘Don’t you _dare_ blame yourself for this,’ he says, sounding as stern as someone half Sam’s height can. ‘And that goes for you, too,’ he adds, stepping back and looking at Dean. ‘It’s like what Charlie’s saying. You get perspective in Heaven. I’ve made my peace with what happened.’

‘I still get to say sorry, though,’ Dean says thickly, and then Kevin’s hugging him too.

‘You two idiots paid me back when you saved my mom,’ he says, voice muffled. ‘It’s in the past now.’

Sam pushes down the guilt inside him. He still needs to come to terms with what he did to Charlie, and what Gadreel in his body did to Kevin, but seeing them alive and happy, and hearing their forgiveness, is helping. Even if it’s just a little bit.

‘It’s time to choose who you want to bring back, Dean,’ Chuck says. ‘I’ve got to be getting back to Heaven soon.’

‘My mom,’ Dean says, almost without hesitation. ‘I want my mom back.’

He looks at Sam and Sam can feel his eyes prickling. He nods at his brother and gives him a wobbly smile. It feels right that after all they’ve been through, their reward is Mary.

Chuck snaps his fingers and she’s there, in the nightdress she was in the day she died. Alive and well.

Sam and Dean stare at her.

‘Mom?’ Dean chokes out.

She looks like she just woke up from a long nap. ‘I don’t… who are you?’

‘It’s me. It’s Dean,’ he says, and her eyes widen. Sam can’t bring himself to speak.

Chuck leads her to one side and talks to her in a low voice, evidently explaining what’s happened. Eventually, she looks over at them, her cheeks wet.

‘My boys…’ she whispers, and covers her mouth with her hand.

Then she opens her arms and they go to her, falling into a hug which is over thirty years overdue. It feels safe and warm and familiar, and Sam feels like his heart might burst.

For the first time in ten years, he feels like he’s reached the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a light he’s been struggling towards for so long.

He feels happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Let's just say I really wasn't pleased with the season finale. (But please no arguing in the comments!)
> 
> I've half a mind to make this into a series and write some of season 12 in this verse, but no promises.
> 
> Turns out all my best works are written at 2am in a caffeine fueled adrenaline rush... oops! I was talking with a friend about 11x23 and what would have happened in our ideal episode, so this was born, and I'm accepting it as my new canon :')
> 
> Tumblr // wishonwords  
> Twitter // zombiesdun  
> Instagram // kevinfrickingsolo


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